Turtles and cops and magical girls, oh my!
by PageofNonsense
Summary: Accidents happen. Sadly enough, being a high-ranked TSAB mage entitles you to big ones,like dimensional fractures. And so,a certain white devil ends up dumped unceremoniously on a certain world.Will she manage to get home? More importantly,will she get home before wrecking too many things? Rated T just in case, because I have no idea what I'm writing. Contains CRACK! So much of it.
1. Initio,Initiare

Preliminary warning : This is fanction. As such, I do not own jack shit. Discworld belongs to Terry Pratchett's line of descent (RIP, we shall never forget you. If you read this from above...I'm sorry.), while MGLN belongs to Seven Arcs and possibly some other people for the manga which I couldn't find.

Preliminary warning, part deux : contains CRACK! As in massive amounts. I blame Shadow Crystal Mage. Not that there is anything wrong with crackiness, is there? I wrote this on an impulse after a week of exams. I'm also quite new to the writing thing so please feel free to comment and criticize. Feedback is good, even if it disagrees with the writer! After all, I'm writing this not only for my own fun, but also for people to enjoy it.

Chapter one - Initio, Initiare : To begin

The world is not round(1). It is flat, a disk laying on four(2) elephants resting on a turtle. Nothing quite new here. The turtle moves. Still nothing new. Ankh-Morpork stinks. Which is pretty much some kind of universal constant. Sator square is glowing pink...Now that is new.

Elsewhere...

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN, 'WE CAN'T FIND HER'!

-Dear, would you please stop yelling? And trying to strangle Amy will not solve the problem in any sort of way, either.

-I know, but...I'm sorry, Mother."

Lindy Harlaown, TSAB Admiral and adoptive mother of the one currently yelling, sighs and smiles sadly.

"It's okay, Fate. I understand...I'm pretty sure everyone does. No matter how much time it takes, we will find your girlfriend."

Fate Testarossa-Harlaown suddenly turns an interesting shade of red.

"She's not my...We're not...

-Riiiight..."

The last comes from her former victim, who looks at her with an indeniably amused look.

And now, for something totally different.

In the oblong bureau, the most important (not to mention, sanest) citizen of Ankh-Morpork and a child are discussing. The man is extremely thin, clad in black, and stares at his interlocutor sternly. The young girl is wears a white and blue uniform that look as anachronistic as possible with her surroundings. Her hair, of a brown that borders red, is styled in twin pigtails. Her eyes of azure and innocence stare at the tyrant, filled with fear.

"So let me make this clear. Someone tries to steal from you, and proves his legitimity to do so. But you do not quite agree with it, so you blast him.

-He was trying to steal Raising heart, sir!

-Trying to steal...?

-Raising heart. My partner. Say hello, Raising heart! (*the child smiles cheerfully.*)

-[Greetings, sir.]"

The voice is mechanical, undeniably. For the first time in his life, Vetinari is perplex.

"How...Uncommon. And so, because of this, you shot that man with, how did you name it?

-A Divine Buster. It's a simple spell (*at the mention of simple, people in the audience flinch*) that I can cast easily. Ano...I expected him to raise a shield or something. Plus, he was just stunned, I swear!

-Sir, it is true that the thief woke up some time later. And then beat the set record for the 40 yard dash by a decent margin.

-Well then. I guess no harm was done, so you're not quite under the watch's jurisdiction."

Sir Samuel Vimes relaxed. Having to arrest the kid definitively felt wrong to him. Like kicking a gigantic puppy.(5)

"Then, this issue is solved. On another note, Drumknott...Please contact the mages. I believe...?

-Takamachi Nanoha, sir. Terribly sorry for taking your time.

-I believe lady Takamachi might interest them. Plus, we will need their help to send the child back to where she came from." 'Before she makes an even bigger mess of my city' was added mentally.

So it was said, and so it happened. Half an hour later, the brunette was escorted into the Unknown University, and greeted by a part of the personnel of the High Energy Magic Building. One of them, young, scrawny and prideful-looking (and as such, probably a Wizard who got his diploma recently and that no one cared about enough to deflate his ego), sneered at her.

"So...You're the strange witch?

-Ano...I believe I'm a mage, sir.

-That would be silly...As we all know, male practitioners of magic are wizards, and women are witches. (*the last word is spit out with disdain*) Simple, right?

-Well...Where I come from, mage is a term who designs men and women who possess a Linker core. They use the same kind of magic, divided in different schools of practice. The Linker core is a non-physical organ that only part of the population possesses and that generates mana which you can use for spells. One's linker core can be drained for power, or injured through specific spells or overexhaustion. Such injuries are almost always crippling, or worse. (*The young mage cringes, going through unpleasant memories*)

-Eh...What age are you, kiddo?

-Fourteen, sir. Why?

-Fourteen years old and you already believe to know it all. Bah. Show us what you can do."

There are points when one could swear that Fate is waiting for what you will say(6). A few crows croaked ominously(7). The sky turned darker. Somewhere in the Omnian desert, it rained custard. The critical moment was however when as the child mage had grown several spheres of energy that gravitated around her, someone in the assistance shrugged and let out the following words:

"Meh, boring. You know, the University can handle anything you can throw. Show us something more interesting!"

For once in accord, Fate and the Lady facepalmed.

Ponder Stibbons, for a mage, was a a man of reason. Oddly enough for someone who originally who started with such low standards, he had discovered himself a passion for studying magic. Not just the usual 'throw a fireball, watch the crater and enjoy' procedure. Seeing what the newcomer could do sent him to a world of thoughts (which considering the thaumometer's results were not all quite reassuring). His thoughts came back to reality far too late, as the words 'DIVINE BUSTER!' echoed through the courtyard.

What followed was a beam of pure energy that crashed into a wall, easily went through, stunned three wizards of great experience, gave a few students doing...something with a considerable amount of salt, raw beef and sheep blood(8) the scare of their life, and made a wizard swear off the booze(9). And granted about anyone present nightmare fuel for the next weeks. And broke Ponder Stibbons' thaumometer. It also caused a furious Archmage to storm out of his office and rush to the scene of the crime.

"ALRIGHT WHICH ONE OF YOU IDIOTS DECIDED IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO CAST WHATEVER STUPIDLY POWERFUL SPELL THAT WAS INDOORS!"

The roar echoed through the courtyard, adding one layer of physical trauma to the many layers of psychological horror that the witnesses already suffered. All eyes shifted to the child who stared the wall in horror.

"Har, har,har. So not only do you manage to get a child in here...I don't even know how or why AND I DON'T WANT TO KNOW! But you try to push the blame on her. I will now wait for the culprit to denounce himself, else the repercussions will fall on every single one of you chumps."

Sometimes, when Archmage Ridcully was, to be blunt, pissed enough, the shades of living fourty years in the countryside tended to reappear. However, since it was also the moment when people remembered why exactly there hadn't been any coup, or any sort of attempt to even undermine his authority for years, and so no one ever dared to tell him.

The child sobbed.

"I'msorryit'sallmyfaultIjustwantedto...

-Breathe,kid. It helps when you want to speak, usually.

-I...I'm sorry. Sir Vetinari said I should go see the wizard, then the men in robes came, I was guided here, and someone asked me to show what I could do...

-You did this alone?

-Yes...I started with something less flashy, but...Someone said I should go all out and that I wouldn't cause any damage anyway...I..."

Yet again, the child was crying. Ridcully sighed.

"You're the one the patrician pigeoned us about, then.

-I guess so...

-(*The man gave her a pat on the back*) Nice fireworks, kid. Don't know where you came from, but that's pretty impressive. And about the damage...We've dealt with more than our share of stupid students. At least you didn't summon a giant demon reasoning exclusively in octosyllabic riddles. That one was a bitch to take care of. All right, let me reformulate...Which one of you taunted the magical joker already pre-labelled as 'stupidly powerful'?"

This time, the lines of sight all converged on the aforementioned idiot.

"Your pay is docked. Not that you need it much considering you're already fed and lodged by the university. Also, you're moved from the High Energies to a more adapated post for the next week...Nah, make that three weeks.

-That is...?

-Latrine duties." Archmage Ridcully's toothy grin peaked at 888,064 kilonazis.

"But we already have cleaners.

-Yup, but I'll make an exception just for you. And your salary's halfed, the money will go on fixing the go-(*Ridcully stopped himself before swearing to gods, which was around these places an equivalent to standing on the top on a hill, in iron armor, during a storm, while insulting karma and being sure that nothing wrong would happen.*) the damn building. And Stibbons? Talk with the kid. I'm pretty sure whatever she casted isn't a spell we know about. Plus try and get the librarian to dig in his books about continunununum stuff. Might want to get little miss fireworks a way back home someday."

And so started a discussion so important that most of it will never be shown (because the author is that lazy, and because 4+dimensions mathematics aren't quite his forte.). While Stibbons started slightly patronizing, he quickly decided to recruit a few colleagues who might be interested, and the Bursar due to his skills with numbers. And a pack of his to take care of his growing headache.

"Incredible...This is entirely different from anything we know. It could lead to massive breakthroughs!

-And all of this happens using numbers...Don't you ever get tired, kid? From what you told us and what we could understand, this seems quite the complicated affair...

-Raising heart help me a lot when I have to cast in combat. I'm really glad to have her.

-[I am happy to be of use, my master!]

-What is that thing?

-(*Nanoha's tone expressed a bit of outrage*) It's not a thing! That is Raising heart, my partner. She has feelings too, you know!

-[It is no offense, my master. I am Raising Heart, an Intelligent Device made on planet MidChilda. I was built as an assistant for the casting of Mid-Childan spells. However, despite my destructive purpose, I was granted a certain degree of self-awareness and thinking capacities, so as to protect my master as optimally as possible. It is an honor to have such fine interlocutors.]

-Incredible. Your jewel acts like Hex! But it's so small...

-Well, MidChildan technologies are rather advanced, although not as much as al-Hazard...So this might explain it.I'm afraid that sort of thing isn't quite my forte, you would have to ask some of our engineers for details and..."

Suddenly, the child yawned. She had arrived quite late, and the discussion had spanned for a while, the participants enthralled in atrociously complex details including thaums and energy manipulation.(10) Plus, the time of dinner had come for the wizards. As such, Nanoha Takamachi was escorted back to the exit, with a demand to come back as soon as possible for further investigation.

As she wandered in the dark streets, unsure of what to do next, a scream raced through the air. And nanoha's saving-people-thing instantly took hold.

(1)That would be silly, right?

(2)It is now known that there were formally five. No one is quite sure how one loses an elephant that big.(3)

(3)Theories tend to include enough alcohol to turn DEATH stinking drunk. Or make a wizard slightly inebriated(4)

(4)Now, if the alcohol went to the elephant or the theorymakers is another question.

(5)Which, considering who exactly he had in his rank, wasn't quite a new feeling to him.

(6)Granted, that might be true, considering

(7)How they managed to get insides, no one might ever know.

(8) Probably some really dark ritual including equally dark forces. That or someone had forgotten to feed the thaumic invisible piranhas. Again.

(9) Which could be seen as a miracle by itself.

(10)And continunununums, which for some reason managed to sneak themselves into about every serious and theorically advanced discussion around these parts.(11)

(11)Which felt quite awkward when you were simply discussing financial planning with your accountant and this happened.

Post-scriptum : Well, that was the story's first chapter. I hope you like it!

Post-scriptum, the second: English isn't my native language, so please forgive me if there are eye-scorching errors in here. Better even, don't hesitate to tell me, I won't take it badly! For similar reason, if anyone is interested in being


	2. Polis,Poleis

Alright, you know the drill. This is fanfiction, I do not own anything, blah and bluh and so. The Discworld series and MGLN belong to their respective owners. If Terry Pratchett reads me from above, I still am sorry.

I noticed having followers. This is new. To those concerned, thank you! I hope I don't prove myself unworthy of your attention...

Er-HEM!

(*absurdly grave stereotypical narrator voice*)

In the previous episode...

Following an accident during mission, Nanoha Takamachi, future Ace of the Aces of the TSAB, ended up magically stranded on the Discworld. Disorientation, attempted mugging and extreme (yet non-lethal) magical violence occured, followed by an encounter with one who could probably be called the sanest dictator of the multiverse. Then occured a clash of culture with a type of mages the newcomer never saw before, which ensured job security for the mason's guild, most likely for the next few months. Then, a stroll in the night was interrupted by a scream.

Now then.

The second chapter of the silliest Nanoha/discworld crossover on this side of the internet (what do you mean this category is too specific? NONSENSE! Nonsense I say!) shall begin.

Chapter 2-Polis, poleis : of the city

Nanoha Takamachi wasn't already considered 'married to the job'(1) for no reason. As the scream echoed in the night, her answer was immediate.

"Raising heart : SET UP!"

As soon as her barrier jacket was formed, the teen took flight, easily reaching the point of the disaster. A woman in old, slightly ragged clothes was attempting to flee an ominous silhouette clad in black with a long cape.(2) The night was dark, with no light in the alley and nobody in sight. Which meant no-one would interfere. No one except...

"Halt. Halt or I will open fire!"

Vladimov(3) was a happy vampire. Not a very smart one, but a happy one. He wore some nice black clothes, like it should be. He stalked the night, like it should be. And he was about to get his nightly dose of hemoglobine, as it should be. He just ignored the strange girl in strange clothes,who he thought would just start freaking out sooner or later and who definitively shouldn't be. He knew that. Little girls don't just go and try to intimidate vampires, right? So he just added the event to his mental file labeled 'wierd shit', and moved on.

Too bad for him that a TSAB officer's 'wierd shit' file tended to be so chock full that a vampire or two wouldn't quite faze them. Instead, he received the traditional Takamachi response. Read : a divine shooter straight to the face. And then, he had the rather...Unrecommanded idea to try and stand up. Which lead to three additional shots, just to be sure. After which he was left counting the circling little bats for a while.(6)

The situation being solved, Nanoha relaxed...And realized someone was observing her.

Carrot Ironfoundersson was many things. Tall, strong, impressive (some would even say regal), extremely prosaic, deeply in love with one of his colleagues, a dwarf (7)...But above all, Carrot Ironfoundersson was a cop (not unlike a certain other person there and conscious). So where some might have acted differently, perhaps panicking, failing to compute a situation where a child versus a vampire led to a victory by KO in the first round of the former on the latter, he acted like a cop.

"Ahoy, loyal citizen! What is going on here!"

His armor was Polished. As in, of the 'you can see yourself in it' kind. It wasn't because of a will to impress superiors. It wasn't a love for shining things either. It was simply that Carrot Ironfoundersson knew it to be one of his Duties to maintain his equipment in perfect state. And if there was one person to take Duty seriously, it was Carrot. For the same reason, his personal sword as well as the standard one, and the truncheon in his hand, were in equally impeccable state. Overall, he irradiated Authority, to the point he could easily pass for an avatar of some kind, representing it in its just,reasonable and protective aspects. In other words, he was Carrot. And he was it so much that the one in front of him forgot he wasn't actually her superior and stood to attention, in a rather rigid posture.

"Sergeant Nanoha Takamachi reporting for duty, sir! I spotted a blatant case of assault attempt, so I interfered. The perpetrator is currently still down right here. I apologize for the lack of physical restrains but I have none on me at the moment, sir!

-Sergeant, hm? I don't believe I ever saw you in the Watch..."

All of a sudden, she realized the situation and went all shy. Meanwhile, Carrot awaited for an answer, honestly puzzled towards his interlocutor's reaction and by a fact that had not happened for ages : meeting a new face. Usually, everyone knew Carrot Irounfoundersson, and reversely.

"Um...Well, that is...I'm not? I'm pretty far from home...

-At ease, sergeant. Well then, what brings you to our good city?

-I guess you could say I was dragged here against my will, in a way.

-And what pushed you in action here?

-Someone was in need, so I acted."

To her, it was pretty simple. Her interlocutor smiled widely, having found some kind of a kinsmen. While Carrot was simple, people tended to mistake 'simple' and 'stupid'. While he saw people acting good and well in front of him, while he just kept hoping that the world COULD be bright and nice, he knew that when he wasn't there things simply weren't that simple. Finding someone who truly thought like him, without needing him to be anywhere near, felt unique. Incredible.

"You know, I think we should discuss and take care of those jurisdiction issues."

What followed was the Watch's captain catching the arm of the only current dimensional stranger(8) by the arm and dragging her through the city in an almost cartoonesque fashion(9) and getting her to the Watch's headquarters in Pseudopolis yard. As he opened the main door, he was barely out of breath. Which wasn't quite the state of his charge.

"Carrot? I just sent you in patrol, so what's the matter? Also, why did you bring a kid in the headquarters?

-I believe I found us a potential recruit, sir!"

There were a few greasy laughs at the possibility of the shrimp behind the captain becoming a watchman. Since Carrot were present, they still were fairly polite. Angua von Überwald, one of the main aces in the sleeve of the Watch, gifted with long ash blond hair, an elegance that would turn over heads and a set of skills that made it so she quickly became irreplacable (including the capacity to disarm someone in a few seconds without the use of her hands, literally if the need arose), and secondarily his girlfriend, gave him a Glare. Meanwhile, Samuel Vimes, commandant of the watch and hardened cop used to his second's antics, sighed.

"Carrot...

-Sir, she defended old lady Gammage. By attacking a vampire. Vampire that she knocked out by hitting in the face four times. I felt convinced."

At that, the whole room made a pause. Vampires weren't usually a scourge in Ankh-Morpork. Usually preferred the Ribbon, the chocolate and keeping on unliving, after all. Those who were foolish or arrogant enough to try could easily become a major nuisance however.

-I...see.(*For a second, doubt was in the commandant's eyes. It couldn't be said he couldn't appreciate one capable of giving the bloodsuckers a pounding.*) Still, isn't she a little young to be a cop?

-Actually...(*Nanoha walked out of Captain Ironfoundersson's shade*)I have the job at home. I'm just...Far of my domain, I guess. Space Administration Bureau Sergent Nanoha Takamachi, Disaster Response Department, under your command. That is, if you wish it so,sir.

-What."

There was a beat as the information wormed itself into the mind of the watchmen.

"And I thought our city was messed up. But anyways. So, why did a little girl like you get into a fight with a vampire?

-Someone was in need, sir.

-You do realize old ladies wandering alone at night tend to be pretty poor, right?

-Why should this change anything?"

The question had been asked out of sheer sarcasm. The answer had not been expected, especially not accompanied by blue eyes looking at her with an air of absolute innocence. Filled with idealism, with a will to do The Right Thing. She remembered him of himself while younger (he should know since he was one the rare few able to literally have a second look to their past). He didn't know if that should push him to enroll her, or avoid that at any cost. Then, he felt the Gaze. Carrot ocularly pleading was already one thing. Adding the girl with troubling purple eyes doing a more than decent imitation of puppy dog eyes just put it to a new level. Samuel Vimes sighed again, pesting against his own weakness.

"Just one thing before I take my own decision. Can you not just get back home?

-Well, there was a dimensional fracture...(*seeing how it seemed not a single person was able to follow her, she cut it simple,and slumped slightly*) No. It's just too far. Help may come to bring me back. Or it may not. Until then, I'm just...There.

'Sigh...On one hand, she's some kind of wizard. On the other, she's a cop. Too damn upright to lie. And she seems to have a certain amount of damage control, considering she didn't vaporize anything yet. Plus, she's a young girl. Alone. In Ankh-Morpork. Best not to imagine the alternatives.'

"Well then, can't exactly let a young lady out in the city with no job, huh. Welcome to the watch, lance-constable Takamachi. Rule's the same for everybody : terrible pay, terrible hours, terrible coffee. You start all the way down. You get standard gear, your pay's docked for fixing if you break it. Take care of your comrades and they'll take care of you. If you get overwhelmed, run. If someone asks you if you are a god, run. If a man offers you to buy 'sausages inna-bun' and declares he's cutting his own throat, don't question it and run. Any question?

-When can I start my first patrol, sir?"

Vimes, and along him about everyone present, almost facefaulted. He hadn't seen anyone this enthusiastic since, well, Carrot.

"There is one thing to take care of first. Colon you get to equip her. Carrot, you got her in so you're responsible for her first watch. And we'll need a third person. Anyone?"

There was a pregnant silence, which did not hesitate to give birth to a whole litter of little ones. The Watch's werewolf grumbled and raised her hand in the air.

"Good. Okay, the break's over, go back to work everyone! Carrot, as soon as Takamachi's geared you make her take the oath. Nobby, get your hand out of that drawer. Cheery, we still need your anaylsis on the Elm Street murder scene. Agent Visit, you're on Gargoyle duty tonight so get moving. Igor, there'll be festivities soon. I want as much of your things ready as possible. Detritus, how's the slab traffic doing?

-Is calm. Last to try got ears pinned to a girder by mysterious troll. I think they scared for now.

-Good job."

Equipping the new Lance-constable ended up being trickier than expected. The standardized equipment, obviously, wasn't an issue : she received her insign, fresh from the blacksmith (due to their recruitment rate, Vimes had bought them in bulk), her truncheon, and her crossbow. Finding a blade the strange teenager could use even remotely efficently was more of an issue. However, the Watch had piles and piles of discarded equipment of various state and origin, and the search ended by the excavation of an unusual weapon from the mess. Nobby Nobbs, definitively human despite what some may say (10) watchman, kleptomaniac and underrated weaponry expert, snuck into the discussion without anyone noticing how nor when, as he often did in life.

"Oh this! Interesting thing, actually. From the agatean empire, 'think. 's been laying around for a time, but no one's been able to use it decently. Too bad, that's good stuff.

-Ano...I think I might be able to. This looks a lot like Kyouya-niisan and I use for practice. Well, wooden versions, but still.

-Then look at this baddie."

He took the weapon out of its sheath. And indeed, while in its looks it could be deceptively simple, with an ungraved,slightly incurved blade and unornemented hilt, it had indeed quite some potential,which was quickly pointed out.

"Look at this. Good steel, right Captain? Remember this lil' missy, if you wanna know something about metal or rock, ask a dwarf. And there's prolly no one more ready to answer your question than the captain."

Carrot took a closer look at the weapon, then slightly tapped the edge and listened to the resonance.

"Oh, that IS pretty impressive! I cannot get the exact number of time they folded the metal but it must have taken some time. And it is so pure,too!

-Plus, the balance's good, and the weight should be right to have a good impact while being used well by a shrimp like you. The edge's rusty, but that's the effect of bein' forgotten here for so long. Patience and a whetstone, and you'll have quite something in your hands. Catch!"

The oddly-shaped watchman resheathed the blade, prepared a toss, was glared at by Angua and handed it to the interested, seemingly with a tinge of regret.

"Thank you, sir!

-Cecil Wormsborough St John Nobbs. Or Nobby. Or just Corporal. No sir. (11) Also, might want to stop that with the boss too. He'd go spare..."

With that out of the road, was the question of protection. The closest fit they could find when it came to helmets still had a tendancy to fall on the new watch(wo)man's eyes, but would have to do. The biggest issue was the armor itself : it would have to be tailor-made to fit Nanoha's reduced height, and like Angua's, it would have to be modified...Here and there. The problem wasn't as big as with the werewolf, but still pretty existant.

However, after this was taken care of, after an awkward scene where Nanoha demonstrated the existence of her partner Raising heart and the two explained that she was still well-protected enough even without physical armor, the commandant gave up from the persistant demand (and the fact that he knew his second in command would be there to avoid things getting ugly if needed) and granted the newly-enrolled the much awaited order to start her first watch.

(1) At the ripe age of fourteen.

(2)After all, all self-respecting vampires simply had to follow the cliché villain dress code and be as glaringly obvious as possible, complete if possible with Igor and ominous thunder when saying anything dramatic.

(3)That isn't indeed his full name. However, to keep this chapter shorter than approximatively seven pages and a half, it should be sufficient.(4)

(4) Besides, who gives full names to their minor characters. (5)

(5) What do you mean, sir Pratchett? ...Right. And what do you mean 'I'm letting this story become self aware'? Definitively not! Hell, I don't even know what that 'I' designes! ...Okay, I'll take care of the fourth wall. It has feelings too. I'm sorry. Now could you let go of my arm, please?

(6)After which he was known to immediately join the League of temperance, never faulting the code, and panicking at the very sight of anything pink.

(7) All while being well over 6 feet tall. Some often rose the issue, but he never saw their point.

(8) Well, the only known one without the 'tentacles and other human-unfriendly appendages' option.

(9) And yet, since it was Carrot, it still looked brilliant and epic. Too bad there was no one to watch.

(10) He even had the papers to prove it

(11) And he was proud of it. After all, he got to keep having no responsability. Also, living. Vimes WOULD go spare...

And here we are, at the end of the second chapter. I hope you had fun reading it! I'd like to point out a simple thing : English is not my native language. As a consequence, I do not read the books in English. If you see any grammar or spelling errors, if you believe I got a name or a speaking quirk wrong, please do tell me! I promise I do not bite. And like about every writer on this site, same request : please grant me feedback! Positive, negative, it doesn't matter as long as it is constructive!

With this said, this was Page of Nonsense, setting out. Have a nice day!

Addendum : GYAH. I can't believe I didn't realize whole fragments of text were missing!

To my second (and mysterious) reviewer : you do have a point. The asterisks thing comes from roleplaying, I do believe I fixed it entirely here. Added a train of thoughts explaining WHY she got hired. I could have just invoked the crack, but that wouldan have been too easy, right! I do think it is believable, considering...a/ Vimes has a distrust of mages, unlike kings and vampires where you can logically speak of HATE. b/ he was forced to hire a f*ck-mothering-vampire later in the series, and simply made due with it. So yes. Pick this or pick crack, whichever you prefer.


	3. Sequens,Sequentia

Guess what : I am still a thing that exists, and so is this fanfic! My sincere apologies but college, writer's block and sheer lazyness basically gangpiled me. I'm sorryyyyy!

To all of those who liked, thank you, I am glad that this was a pleasant read!

Regarding reviews :

Thank you for taking the time of commenting on this!

Celestia's Paladin : Thank you for your kind words, and yes this just smells crack from a mile away, does it not? I blame SCM, he's just _that_ great.

Drinker : Duly noted. I have troubles with exposition, but I will do my best.

Guest : Good point. My justifications are a/ Nanoha sees herself as a cop first, and anything else afterwards, and b/ well...Screw this, it's crack and I admit it. I HAVE NO REGREEEEETS! The hyphens are how we frenchies write continued dialog. Yes I am French, feel free to add as many baguette and/or white flag jokes here as it pleases your mind. You're the reader after all, and it aint like I would know. Oh and good anonymous sir, I noted your point on title, gonna fix that whenever I can kick laziness out of my system.

With that said : USUAL DISCLAIMER GO!

This is fanfiction. The author, being a random bloke from the net and not related to either Terry Pratchett nor whoever owns MGLN, does not possess the right to anything. As a non-profit parody, this (whatever this is, even I am not truly sure of what I am writing. Please send help.), it is covered by fair use laws.

The author is not to be held responsible for any sort of anger, rage, madness, shipping envy or desire to summon a great old one to cleanse the world of man's madness you may feel after read this fic. If you feel the former, please do not throw your computer through your window. While suitably dramatic and cathartic, it would quite possibly hurt some random passerby who didn't deserve jack shit. Oh, and you'd have to buy a new one, I guess. And if you feel the latter, please retain control and deliver yourself to SCP foundation immediately for containment.

Well, guess I'm done here. In the precedent episode..

Nanoha Takamachi, new resident of Ankh-Morpork (City of One Thousand Surprises!), took down a vampire. (Non lethally, of course. Who the hell do you think she is!) This made Carrot, and in turn the City Watch, extremely interested. Glaring, puppy eyes and possible strains in relations in the near future happened. In the end, Nanoha being honest, devoted and a space cop (and capable of putting vampires of all things in their place) won against her being a space wizard (and quite possibly a tad too young) in Vimes' heart, and she was enrolled. After the minimal vital time for equipment, she went out on her first patrol, accompanied by a six feet and a half tall dwarf and a highly skeptical werewolf. Knowing narrative causality, shenanigans would obviously ensue.

"Okay Captain. You roped me into this, take responsibility. You're managing the damn field trip.

-You know, Angua, you should not speak of one of your coworkers like that.

-Carrot, she's a child! Just...Look at her, will you?

-Angua-san? Please do not worry for me. I did not reach the rank of Sergeant at home through nepotism. Disaster relief is a serious business, you know? Over time, I successfully lead fire squads, went in recon in a mined zone to rescue civilians, spearheaded fights to subdue Lost Logias...I've done my part, I promise!"

There was a beat.

"And what is a Lost Logia, exactly?

-Lost Logias are leftovers of ancient civilizations. They tend to be rather dangerous, some powerful enough to ravage planets by themselves."

Another silence, much longer this one as the two guardsmen apprehended the true meaning of innocent, matter-of-fact words.

"What.

-Is everyone in your world INSANE?

-Angua!

-No. It's...I just want to help."

The werewolf sighed and ruffled the brunette's hair.

"You're a good kid. Just...Stay behind us for now, okay? This city...It's dangerous. It does _things_ to you."

As it turned out, letting Carrot manage a patrol was a much saner idea than letting him lead a date(1). He knew the city perfectly(2), knew all of its people (4), and he knew where to go to Do His Duty Efficiently. Overall, there was no better person to teach the newbie about being a cop in Ankh-Morpork (5), and no-one better to keep her safe. No one would dare to infract the law in front of Carrot.

Or so they thought. As it turned out, newcomer thieves were foolish enough to attempt to take a child hostage in front of the watch's captain. Too bad they really did not pick the right target. As she pulled out her Device, it started with laughter. Then screams. Then pleading.

"We're sorry! We're so very sorry! PLEASE GET HER OFF US!

-You've been a very BAD man, mister thief!"

Cue serial thwacking with Raising heart. Meanwhile, Carrot was watching curiously, and Angua was watching amusedly. Cut-me-own-throat-Dibbler came in, proposing "fresh corn heated until popped, with salt". The watchers bought some. They instantly regretted it.(8)

"Do you surrender?

-Yes! We surrender!We'll give back what we stole! We'll give to charity! Just stop, please!"

And so it happened. That night witnessed the first batch of self-delivering criminals, much to the Watch's surprise. And Carrot Ironfoundersson's patrol went on. From that point, there were less incidents, and more cordial greetings. Including some that were plain and outright bizarre to the youngest member of the group.

"Greetings Arney Swift-hands! Still in thieving?

-Aye. Got me a permit 'n all. Now the guild won't try and hang me by the feet anymore!

-That's a good thing. That would make your old mother very sad, after all!"

And it was left that way. Nanoha was still trying to process what happened when her professional reflexes took over and she activated her Device again, aiming for the sinister silhouette breaking in a home from a window. Carrot put a hand on her shoulder and nodded negatively.

"Stay out of this, lance-constable Takamachi. That's an assassin.

-Well isn't that the point, Captain? He's about to...

-Yes. And he's an Assassin. Got the legal rights to."

Carrot's voice was no longer cheery, but instead bitter and rather surprisingly sad. It was unnerving. Bad things tend to happen when Carrot Ironfoundersson was unhappy. His partner put a hand on his shoulder supportively and sighed.

"Kid, you have to realize something. I'm gonna take a shot in the dark and think that you used to live in a rather lawful place. Well, welcome to Ankh-Morpork, city of the one thousand damn surprises. And not all of them are good. Thieving is legal here when you have a permit. Same thing with killing. Oh, and don't even think of drinking the local water. The one good thing out of it? Assassins have honor, as messed up as this may seem. They don't always succeed. Some people beat them time and time over. And those who don't obey the code, well...Let's just say that the guild makes damn sure that they don't stay in activity for long."

Horror dawned on the new watchwoman's face.

"But that's...

-Terrible? Horrifying? Insane as a way to take care of the city?

-Yes!

-Damn straight. But it works, though hell if I know why. Not only does it work, but currently, it's the only way even the Patrician could find that would make all the cogs of this city to click correctly.

-Takamachi..."

The one concerned answered with in the 'down-but-trying-her-damn-best-to-seem-cheerful' voice she typically used when depressed.

"Just Nanoha, if that's okay Captain.

-Nanoha. Chin up. The system may be unlawful as can be, and too deep-rooted for us to change it. But there are things we can do to change things, even a little. We can try our best. Be here for the people. Sometimes, the thief finds no one. Sometimes, there is a rock in the assassin's way and he trips. Do you understand?

-I...Think so. Even if the odds are against us, we still need to try and use all of what we can?

-Good. Let's keep moving, shall we?"

The girl nodded and the man lead the way, followed by his sisters-in-arms, both pensive albeit for different reasons. As they moved on, sounds of feud started to be heard...

When asked about the biggest Dwarf city, many mentioned something about somewhere in the Copperhead. When asked about the biggest Troll city, most people didn't have any answer to offer(9). The truth is, the answer for both is the same : Ankh-Morpork. And the issue with that is that saying that trolls and dwarves tend to butt heads would be as much an euphemism as saying that the Ankh's water is slightly polluted, or that Cut-me-own-throat dibbler is a little dishonest. The reason for that is simple. Dwarves mine. It's what they do. Meanwhile, trolls are essentially living minerals. When a troll sleeps in the mountain, and a dwarf comes...It generally ends in what we could call 'a diplomatic incident'. If diplomatic incidents included people getting murdered in their sleep with a pickaxe. Then arrive other cases of 'diplomatic incidents', if we can count revenge using massive clubs and rocks as a diplomatic incidents. And they did, as such was the diplomacy ruling troll-dwarf relationship. Such was the root of the problem(10).

Quarry lane was divided in two. On one side was a sea of dwarf, compensating for their reduced size with considerable anger and equally dangerous battleaxes. On the other side was a mass of trolls, equipped with rocks or clubs, as it was their habit to, and equally furious. But they were not fighting, as miraculous as it could seem. No, all sights were focused on the two in the center of the attroupment, the champions for their respective side. One was an extremely tall and imposing troll, his stone of dark grey hue and covered in lichen in some places. His weapon was simply a decent chunk of an oak's trunk. The other was a stout dwarf in full plate armor, holding a battle hammer of steel and cedar wood. Breaths were held as they rushed towards each other...

 **[Flash move]**

 **[Protection powered]**

As the feminine yet mechanical voice resounded through the air, a child stood between them, a dome of pink energy around her blocking both weapons as she clung to her spoke up with a sad voice.

"Please stop fighting. It will not solve anything.I don't want to hurt you."

The two laughed boisterously and spoke simultaneously.

"Ye're brave, shrimp. And possibly nuts. Me and the rock here need to finish this. Scram!"

"Little thing got courage. But streets be not good place for children tonight. Too many dust eaters."

There was a beat, and their interlocutor's answer.

"I'm sorry."

 **[Divine shooter]**

Two small pink spheres darted on each side, hitting the troll and the dwarf on the side of the head. They fell to the ground, unconscious. The crowd froze, caught between terror and anger, whispering.

"Who that is?"

"Kid took down Volug Stronginthearm, just like that!"

"Took down Granite..."

"Is scary. Should run."

"She's dangerous. I say we solve the problem now."

The new member of the Watch flew back to her superiors. Angua gave her a glare.

"What the hell? Do you really want to die?

-They were fighting! They would have hurt each other!

-Angua? I'll handle this."

Carrot stepped forwards. Silence returned.

"Alright everyone. I saw lance-constable Takamachi stop a fight here. Please tell me why my new coworker had to stop a fight."

There was an embarrassed silence, like the mob was a child being scolded. Pushing his advantage, Carrot started a speech on how they were being dangerous towards themselves and one another, how their mothers would be afraid and sad that even in the cities their son would still find a way to put their lives on the line. He spoke of peace, of working together, of how citizens should be nice and responsible. It worked like a charm. Trolls and Dwarfs went home, ashamed of themselves and swearing off fighting. And the young girl looked at her captain with admiration...

"Good job, Lance-constable Nanoha. Now, never, EVER do this again. Understood?

-Okay. I'm sorry, sir. Still...Could you teach me that? It was so cool!

-I don't see why not. It's pretty simple."

The world shuddered at these words. And the patrol went on.

Five AM. The night was beginning to end, as did their shift. The lastest hours were calm, with little to no activity seen. They kept on moving, Carrot showing critical locations in the city to a more and more shifty-eyed Nanoha, who engraved as much as she could in her mind for later use : criminal hot spots, places with shelter and good view for rainy shifts, good places to eat...And Carrot being Carrot, he also gave her a more than decent insight on the Great Wahoonie's past and present. They met the girl's first zombie, a gnome pulling a cart filled with things in various states of decomposition and not much else. As they were on their way back to Pseudopolis Yard, one last incident occurred. Namely, a demon appearing in the city, just outsides of the Unseen University. It was a truely immense thing, taller than the University's building, with bat-like wings and a dark red skin, the set complete with jagged horns and claws. Typical of a demon with a great wish to be Scary (capital letter included), but lacking any sort of imagination whatsoever.

"Captain? I think I'll take care of this one...Closer to my domain than to yours."

With these words, Lance-constable Nanoha Takamachi took flight, and got herself to eye level with the creature, ready to charge a spell. Which turned out completely unnecessary, as it spoke out in a fearsome voice that made glass windows vibrate.

"What? SHE'S here? That was supposed to be my day off damn it! Screw you summoner, I'm going home!"

It opened a large gateway of energy and disappeared, its voice fading in the distance.

"Nope. Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope..."

"The hell was that about, Takamachi?

-Ano...I met this creature some times ago. He was throwing a tantrum and endangering people so I...Kind of had to cool his head off, I guess?

-What."

And it was left that way.

Meanwhile, atop Cori Celesti, the Lady and Fate(11) stared at the game board. The Lady attempted to snatch the figurine that came in the game, uninvited and undirected. And was whacked with a stick.

"No. Bad."

And finally, they were back to the headquarters. They headed directly to Vimes' office for debriefing, only to find it empty, which meant that most likely their boss had sneaked out to work outside himself. The two adults sat on the nearest chairs and jumped on the occasion to take a nap, only to be awaken ashort while later by a familiar voice...

"What exactly are you doing here, Takamachi?

-We came back from patrol and since we had to wait for your return, I tried to be useful.

-You took care of the paperwork. From your own volition."

Samuel Vimes looked at his new subordinate like she was some manner of strange beast.

"Yes! I mean, it's not the most entertaining job in the world, but one of my previous superiors had...Issues with paperwork. So I learned to take care of it, a bit."

Indeed, the desk was clean, which hadn't happened since the place became commander Vimes' office. The papers were stacked into neat piles, classed by topic and order of urgency. The old food remains had been thrown to the nearest bin, too(12). The desk's owner suddenly looked very, very interested.

"Run."

Angua's voice was barely more than a whisper, but the urgency in it was obvious. Nanoha scampered off, and sir Samuel Vimes sighed.

"Kids shouldn't know that sort of horror... Anyhow. Carrot, how did it go?*

-It was... , I say we shouldn't have any problem keeping her. Keeping her safe, on the other hand...

-She's a weirdness magnet, plain and outright. Extremely naive, and overly enthusiastic, which could easily put her in danger. On the other hands, she apparently still knows when to pull back, and she's scarily competent when faced to direct danger. A bit flashy, but effective. And damn scary, when she needs to be. As wrong as it feels to get her deployed...I have the feeling we'll be really happy to have her on our side someday soon."

(1)And boy did Angua know about the latter.

(2)To the point where his only challenger in terms of knowledge of the city was Sam Vimes, who lived in the city well over forty years more than him.(3)

(3) And even then, only with thin-soled boots.

(4)With a few unnerving exceptions.

(5)Except Sam Vimes, who was the coppest of all cops, to the point where some envision he may have been born with his armor already on. (6)

(6)And already old and dented.(7)

(7)To be fair, such speculations tended to include massive amounts of alcohol, and Vimes himself being nowhere near. Just to be safe.

(8) No one ever knew what Dibbler had managed to substitute to salt. Nor what he substitued to corn. Further informations have been classified by both the alchemist's guild and the Patrician as the Discworld's first true biohazard case.

(9)Except from the occasional speciesist who answered something along the line of "They have cities?".

(10) That and a fundamentalist reading of an old text. Funny how old, moldy books could affect PR at times...

(11)No,not THAT Fate.

(12) Which was too bad, really. The bacterias were THAT close to mastering fire! Then again... Maybe it WAS a good thing after all.

And...cut! Damn, that was a morsel to write. Funny thing is, while getting the inspiration to start it was tough, as soon as I had a starting point, this was just so easy to write. And I had tons of fun doing it. I really hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Please notify me if you have an issue with the text, be it in the spelling, grammar or even content. I need criticism! FEED MEEEEEEE!

With that said, this is PoN, we're done here.

PS : Note to those of faith, please don't take my job on moldy books too personally. I swear, it's just a joke, not an attack towards anyone.


End file.
